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 Jokes (Not for the easily offended)

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HIVX Super Hans
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PostSubject: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Fri Apr 23, 2010 3:45 am

This topic is not people who are easily offended, this section is here for people to post jokes that are close to the bone, and may not be of a suitable nature, basically anything goes here. So if you are easily offended, do not continue to read this topic.
-------------------------

I'll start it off then

I just heard the news Stephen Gately has died, what a bummer.

Did you know 99% of woman kiss with their eyes closed, thats why its so hard to identify rapists.

Whats worse than being raped? - Getting fingered by Captain Hook

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!

Whats big black and has 18 tits? - The bin bag outside the breast cancer clinic
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Fri Apr 23, 2010 3:56 am

I use flavored condoms as bait for fat girls

Im not a racist! racism is a crime and crime is for black people
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Apr 26, 2010 7:15 am

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

How do you fix a woman's watch? - You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Apr 26, 2010 10:43 am

A cruise on the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks and there are only 3 Survivors; Damian, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual sex, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she was doing.

She felt having sex with both Damian and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was tragic but Damian and Darren managed to get through it and, after a while, nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and Damian and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they were doing.



So they buried Deirdre
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Apr 26, 2010 10:56 am

Good to see Jacko dangling his kid off the balcony.
Usually he just tosses them off.

What does Jackson have in common with whisky?
They both come in small tots

Why did Michael Jackson phone Boyz-II-Men?
He thought it was a delivery service.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Apr 26, 2010 1:27 pm

My mate called me a retard earlier.

I almost choked on my window.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Apr 26, 2010 3:14 pm

this ones for you biz



To the tune of 'You are My Sunshine'

You are a scouser,
A filthy scouser,
You're only happy,
On giro day,

Your mum's out thieving,
Your dad's drug dealing,
So please don't take,
My hubcaps away.
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Thu May 06, 2010 12:49 am

Teacher: If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits, and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: 7 sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefuly. If I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits, and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: 7 sir.

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I g ave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples, and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: 6 sir.

Teacher: Good. Now, if I gave you 2 rabbits, and another 2 rabbits, and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: 7 sir!!!!

Teacher: Where the fuck do you get 7 from?!?!?!?!?

Johnny: Because I fucking have one at home!
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Jul 05, 2010 6:06 am

statistics like this can be misleading. the odds against there being a bomb on a plane are a million to one. the odds against two bombs being on the same plane are a million time a million to one.
next time you fly, minimise the odds and take a bomb with you.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Tue Jul 06, 2010 4:58 am

A 12 year old girl writes a letter to Jeremy Kyle;

Dear Jeremy;

I'm the only girl in my class that isn't pregnant. I'd like to appear on your show to find out whether its me or my brother whos infertile.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Tue Jul 06, 2010 3:23 pm

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Wed Jul 07, 2010 12:55 am

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when Blackpool win the premier league."
"You crafty cunt!" said the fairy.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Wed Jul 07, 2010 1:02 am

To all those women who watch the football and shout "pass it to Frank" or "bring Joe Cole on;" fuck off. You didn't see me at Sex And The City 2 shouting "fuck her up the arse."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Sun Jul 11, 2010 12:42 pm

There's a young couple in the cinema. The girl says, "I must have a piss, can I squeeze past you?"
"Why don't you squat down on the floor and do it" says the boyfriend. "You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you."
"OK" she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor. The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.
He feels something long and hard and says, "Urgh! Have you changed your sex?"
"No" she says "I've changed my mind... I'm having a shit instead."

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Jul 12, 2010 12:50 am

Dear Ghost that lives in my house, if you really want to scare me, try opening my bedroom door when I'm having a wank.

Did you know that diarrhoea can actually kill you? Even if you only drink a little bit.

I think Al Qaeda made a huge mistake knocking down both Twin Towers. Just think how embarassing it would be only having one Twin Tower.





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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Jul 12, 2010 12:51 am

Testimony from a taxi driver shot by Mr Bird stated that: "When I was shot in the back, my army training kicked in and I dived to the floor and crawled away from the shots."
It's a good thing he was in the army. If I was being shot at, I probably would have stood there and fucking danced for him.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:36 am

I had a super wank today.

It's just like a normal wank but I get to wear a cape.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:36 am

My wife told me she's going out and getting pissed tonight. I said, "Way-hay! Blowjob for me tonight then!"

"No, you have to stay in and look after the kids," she said.

"Exactly." I replied.

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:42 am

This website contains adult material that is not suitable for anyone under 18 years of age. If you are under 18 you are not allowed to use this site without parental consent"
"...MUUUUUUUUM CAN I HAVE A WANK?"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Mon Nov 01, 2010 5:46 am

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come.
Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

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PostSubject: ...   Fri Nov 26, 2010 12:19 am

Why were the Canadian soldiers sent to Afghanistan in green camo to fight the Tali Ban?

Well if you have never seen a forest before, how would you go about attacking them?
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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Tue Nov 30, 2010 10:56 am

HK BizkiT wrote:
Good to see Jacko dangling his kid off the balcony.
Usually he just tosses them off.

What does Jackson have in common with whisky?
They both come in small tots

Why did Michael Jackson phone Boyz-II-Men?
He thought it was a delivery service.

Though I'd add a continuation of this set of jokes on here...

How many Michael Jackson's does it take to Screw in a light bulb?
None, he only screws little boys

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Tue Jan 11, 2011 1:18 am

An Englishman, Welshman and West Indian are in hospital, waiting for their wives to give birth. There is quite a bit of pacing up and down when the nurse comes out and happily announces that they are all fathers of bouncing baby boys.

"There's just one problem" she says. "Because they were all born at the same time we got the tags mixed up and we don’t know which baby belongs to whom. Would you, as their fathers, mind coming to identify them?" The men agree and walk into the delivery room and look at the babies.

Immediately the Englishman stoops down and picks up the black baby. "Yes, this is definietly my baby" he says confidently.
"Um, excuse me" says the West Indian "but I think it's fairly obvious that this is my son"
The Englishman pulls him aside and says "I see where you're coming from mate but one of these babies is Welsh and I'm not prepared to take the risk"

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Tue Jan 11, 2011 1:31 am

Things to do in toilets
1.Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbour, ''May I borrow a highlighter?''
2. ''Uh-oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that.''
3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.
4. ''Hmmm, I've never seen that colour before.''
5. ''Damn, this water is cold.''
6. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a shoe into the toilet bowl from a high place and sigh relaxingly.
7. ''Now how did that get there?''
8. ''Hummus. Reminds me of hummus.''
9. Fill up a large flask with lemonade. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbours while yelling,' Whoa! Easy boy!!''
10. '' Interesting....more sinkers than floaters''
11. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop under the stall wall of your neighbour. Then say,' Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"
12. ''C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"
13. ''Boy, that sure looks like a maggot''
14. ''Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?''
15. Play a well-known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.
16. Before you unroll toilet paper, lay down your ''Cross-Dressers Anonymous'' newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.
17. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbour and say, ''Peek-a-boo!''
18. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing ''Born Free.''

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PostSubject: Re: Jokes (Not for the easily offended)   Tue Jan 11, 2011 1:52 am

a little boy runs up to his mother, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?"
His Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head".

The next day, his little sister runs up, saying "mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?"
Mother replies: "because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head".

The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: "sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg" *dribbles*.
Mother says: "shut up, Fridge".

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